


Quiet Comfort

by DGCatAniSiri



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-12-14 14:29:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11785092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DGCatAniSiri/pseuds/DGCatAniSiri
Summary: A follow up to a question asked far too early in a relationship.





	Quiet Comfort

There was something relaxing about the Tempest at night. Of course, there was no real ‘night’ in space, but most of the crew operated on a rough day/night cycle. The exception was Kallo, who, given salarians required minimal sleep, made due during the night shift, letting Suvi fly for the brief period he needed his sleep, and was back at work.

But the rest of the crew abided by a day/night cycle that worked out about even with one another, which meant that there was always a point in time where the crew could be expected to be asleep. Jake Ryder liked that quiet time. It let him think. It was soothing, going down to the engine room and just drift with the hum of the drive core. Peebee had floating in zero-g, he had the engine.

Also the engineer, but who’s counting. 

Speaking of said engineer, Gil found him seated in the engine room, eyes closed, head resting against a console, and seeming a million light years away. He chuckled softly as he took a seat next to his boyfriend. “You’re an odd one, Ryder.”

Jake smiled. “I’ve been told that.” 

“I mean it. You know, most people would just appreciate the view from your room. Best view on the ship of the great beyond, right? But instead you’re here, looking at the engine.”

“And you’re down here with me. So it seems like we’re a pair.”

“Fair enough,” Gil chuckled. They sat there in quiet for a moment, the hum of the engine soothing the both of them. 

Jake sighed. “As breathtaking as looking out my window can be... I like this better. Looking out at space... reminds me how small I am. How long do you think it’ll be before someone gets it in their head to head for other galaxies?”

“For all we know, the Milky Way’s trying to settle them even now, assuming that we were successful,” Gil suggested.

Jake sighed, resting his head against Gil’s shoulder. As much as the Pathfinder had to be strong and decisive, Jake loved the moments here with the man he loved, where he could set down that role and just... be himself. He’d spent a long time in Alec Ryder’s shadow – first the N7 officer who’d been one of the first through the Relay, then the badge of shame that had made him leave Alliance service, and then as the replacement Pathfinder. Even with having accomplished more as a Pathfinder than his father had (than his father had had a chance to), he still felt like he was being compared to what Alec Ryder would have done. But Gil didn’t care about that. It helped Jake feel like he had something all about him.

Gil gently ran a hand up and down the inside of Jake’s leg. “So... Something I’m curious about, but if you don’t want to answer, I completely understand too, and you don’t have to.”

Raising an eyebrow, Jake slowly nodded an assent. “Okay... You’re kinda freaking me out here.”

“It’s nothing to be freaked out about. Just... I’m curious about why you didn’t want to have a kid. I mean, the way you reacted, you were... uncomfortable. And... I don’t want anything I say or do to make you uncomfortable. So... so I think you and I should talk about these things. Okay? You know, the whole ‘total honesty’ thing.”

Jake chuckled – Gil had started out the question so solemn and serious, he’d been afraid it was something life-threatening. “It’s okay, Gil. I’m not uncomfortable with answering. I just... You said your Dad wandered off before you were born. My Dad... might as well have. A lot of the time, I remember Mom telling him to leave his work at the door, and he still couldn’t manage that. As Mom got sick, I just... I remember him tinkering with SAM the whole time she was dying. It pissed me off. Like, our relationship wasn’t all that good before, and then...” There had been a period where Sara had been intermediary between the Ryder men. She hadn’t appreciated it, and had soon made her opinion known on the subject. Loudly.

Nodding, Gil let out a sigh. “Your Dad... I mean, it’s not like I met him or anything, but the way people talk about him... I think the word that comes to mind is ‘intense.’”

“Yeah,” Jake nodded with a laugh. “That’s certainly one word for it. He just... Even with the memories SAM’s showing me, I don’t think I can ever get past that. And... I think the worst thing a parent can do is not be there, physically or mentally. My Dad did that to me, never being there. I don’t think I can do that to a kid. And... especially with all this Pathfinder stuff, I think I would. It’d be unintentional, but... a kid would take a backseat. If I wasn’t out being the Pathfinder, I’d want to sit down and... relax.” He smirked. “I remember what Sara and I were like as kids. ‘Relaxing’ isn’t a word that comes to mind.”

“I get that. It’s not easy, growing up with an absent parent. You know, people talk about their mum or their dad, how they’re there for them, and...” Gil trailed off, apparently thinking about old scars. Jake reached over, taking his hand. He flashed Gil a supportive smile – whatever was past, it didn’t matter to the man who loved him. 

“Yeah. I tend to think that if you’re not even going to be there, physically or emotionally... You shouldn’t be a parent. I mean, you’re supposed to put someone else, put your kid ahead of you. And... I’m already putting a species, a galaxy ahead of myself. I... It might be selfish, but... When do I really get the chance to be selfish? I’m supposed to be blazing a path for humanity, I don’t get that opportunity much anymore. If I had a kid... I know myself enough to know that they’d suffer for me to have the chance just to... unwind for a little.” 

Gil nodded. “I understand. I really do.” 

They were both silent for a moment. “Is it that important? Having kids?” Jake asked.

“I don’t know. It... It’s seemed the thing you’re supposed to do. Especially with this whole ‘future of humanity’ business they sold us on for this, you know? And then with Jill and the CRC... It’s the reason we’re supposed to be out here, right?”

“Well, I came because the Milky Way didn’t feel like home, and my only family was coming out here. I think I was more scared of... being in the Milky Way, alone, without anyone I could rely on. Having kids never factored into it. Honestly, I thought the Ryder’s might well die out in a generation or two.” And, he felt, nothing would necessarily be lost in the line dying out – he remembered watching his mother fade away, and knew that he and Sara both carried that particular time bomb in his genes, just like she did – sure, it was due to biotic research, but Jake was a biotic, which meant that Sara had that potential as well, even if she hadn’t manifested any abilities. That surely had to play some kind of role in things.

“I came here pretty much on a lark. It seemed a good idea at the time. My best friend was coming, and without her... I thought I’d be all alone back there. At least here, I’d know someone. I’d have the chance to... to make something of myself. It didn’t cross my mind that there’d be... You know, anything else to think about until... Well, until we were here. Maybe I got kinda swept up by Jill’s talk, the way she rides me about not having kids.” Gil looked to Jake, a wry grin on his lips. “You know, when I told her no, she looked as surprised as I’ve ever seen her. I think she was surprised that I told her no.”

“Then I assume she’s going to have a problem with me the next time we meet?”

“Eh, if she does, just tell her off. She’s really not that bad once you get to know her, but I do understand why you’d see something wrong with how we give each other grief. If I were coming into things, yeah, I’d see it as a problem, but she is 100% supportive. It’s just literally her job, you know?” 

Jake still felt unsure about how he felt about Jill, having had some choice words about her push for Gil to have a baby that he’d only just resisted saying on Prodromos, but Gil had picked up on Jake’s frustration and irritation afterwards. It wasn’t that Jake thought that friendships had to be a mutual appreciation society at all times – Liam and Jaal were evidence of that – but he had his issues with how she approached the subject.

“I probably am not gonna be best friends with her, but... If you’re okay with how things are between you, it’s not my place to try and get in the way of that.” Even if he still thought Jill was in the wrong for pressing the issue.

“I appreciate how magnanimous you are about it, Ryder,” Gil joked. He twined their fingers together and pressed a kiss to the back of Jake’s hand. “I hope you don’t think I’ve tried to push you into having a kid. I meant it when I said that it was important to me that we agreed, that if it’s not right for you, it’s not for me.”

“I know. I don’t doubt that. And, thanks. For understanding.” Jake leaned over and kissed Gil, smiling against the other man’s stubble. “That’s why I love you.”

Gil turned to properly meet Jake’s lips. “I love you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, seriously? Asking about kids when the actual relationship is MAYBE two or three weeks old? It's one thing to talk about the idea, it's another to talk about actually DOING so. Of course I say no. But I'm not happy about feeling like the narrative thinks I've done something wrong by saying no.


End file.
